Alone
Posted by Canis_Lupus at 01:17 AM on August 9, 2008.
Here I am again.
It's been a long hiatus...but here I am again, to my anonymous online journal that no one among my friends knows about. I've returned to it as I, like so many times before, find myself restless and needing to vent. Sadly, I have no one to turn to...well, no one I absolutely trust to open myself to...huh. lemme stop and go with my stream of consciousness here - just realized how sad that really is, to have no one you trust enough to be vulnerable to expose even the ugliest and weakest and helpless and most scared and insecure aspects of yourself. I think most people don't have that either, but I'm an optimistic cynic. Yes yes, that's an oxymoron I know, but wutever, another topic, another time.
I digress. My purpose for logging back on is because the ghost of restlessness, of doubt, of listlessness, of lethargy, of desolation, of despair is haunting me again. For a while, it did not bother me. Either that or I just stopped paying it mind for a while. It's back. It's funny, I feel like I have not moved on an inch since I started this thing four years ago. I feel I have not progressed...no significant process anyway. I'm still unmotivated, purposeless and without direction. I am STILL lost. Fucking LOST. I am abandoned. My life remains at a stand still.
I have not learned anything. If I did, I forgot it. So wut good does that do me.
FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK.
I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs...and I don't know why. I am years of repression waiting to be released. I don't even know now why I started this entry coz it's not helping. I can't seem to construct coherent sentences...I feel like drinking. I think I would have a drinking problem if I wasn't such a coward. I can't commit to anything. Wow, this is as ADD I've been. My mind keeps jumping from one topic to another. Unfocused and disoriented. I am so scrambled right now. Wut's sad is that I'm sober. What the fuck. I wonder if this is a symptom of depression but I'm just repressing it or experiencing it in a different way? Or maybe I'm just overanalyzing and blowing this thing out of proportion? Here I am again invalidating my emotions. Wow, am I going crazy, personality disorder psycho babble?
Nah, I just need my confidant. Unfortunately, I don't have one.
Loneliness amongst people is a bitch. I am not alone, but I feel so lonely.............
And I don't know why.
...
(1.13 AM)
Currently feeling: listless
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