Reading the entry below
Posted by Canis_Lupus at 01:35 AM on August 9, 2008.
Immediate responses that came to mind as I read it -
: I don't give a fuck if it's impossible to achieve, my wife's got to be that confidant. Impossible coz I'm a bastard with deep-seated emotional, psychological issues. Not to mention commitment issues that got me running if I so much imagine we're getting close...even if it's just in my mind. I can never picture myself revealing myself completely to someone. Even at the two times in my life I believed I was, I wasn't. Here's an epiphany I just had a second ago and I hate to admit this to myself, but I'm afraid I won't be loved. Simple and cliché as that is, it is what it is. And talk about repressed memories, I just had a flash of my twelve year old self crying in the closet after finding out my dad cheated on my mom...now I'm tearing up as we speak. What the fuck? am I having a Freudian moment right here? Is that the root of all this feeling of unloved crap? Some unresolved issues with my father that I'm afraid has become so convulted and distorted that there's no way of squashing it completely?
: deep-seated? got another confused phrase for blades of glory...deep seeded, you know, it's so deep like it's buried like a seed. hahahaha. i just laughed in my head.
: I think to be an alcoholic, one needs to have some sort of drive and spirit to start drinking...I don't have that, luckily for me. I'm too uncommitted even to be completely fucked. I can't hit rock bottom. I'm just committing suicide...in small, gradual steps.
: I feel like I can get myself out of this rut anytime I want if I chose to do so, I just don't bother to do so. I choose to stay in this shit coz I don't really care to.
Wow, that helped. admitting to myself that i'm inflicting this shit to myself, and that i don't really care that i'm doing this to myself seemed to have cleared that ghost for now.
amazing.
and yep, i'm going fucking crazy.
...
(1.35 AM)
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