self-loathing
Posted by Canis_Lupus at 10:03 PM on January 6, 2009.
as always, i turn to this journal when i can no longer contain my restlessness. when drinking and partying, and the illusions of whatever fantasy realm i live in my head crumble or fade away, i turn to introspection.
and as always, what i find the same thing: loneliness. alienation. desperation. the feeling in the depths of your heart that you don't belong and that you're life is going nowhere. i guess i've always felt it in me, but it seems to have gotten worse without me noticing it. it crept up on me like an undetected disease, only showing its symptoms when it's already a bit too late.
it's ironic i'm feeling this way when i'm back in the homeland. right here, where i was born and raised, i feel i don't belong. already i'm telling myself i'm a baby for feeling this way, that i should just suck it up and grow up...that i'm letting my emotions get me down...but it's really something i can't deny. i can't sweep this one under the rug.
a few months ago, i knew myself. i knew who i was in the world, who my friends are, and what i'm gon do with my life. now i'm not so sure. i feel so weak and indecisive. maybe i've always been indecisive and it's only now that it's getting exposed. i really don't know anything anymore. i just know my heart bleeds. it bleeds for the life i left behind, and the life i don't know how to push forward.
i am homesick. hard as i try to convince myself that i love this place, i cannot wholeheartedly say that i don't want to leave. this place sucks coz i make it so...maybe i even want it so. in between bouts of drinking and partying, i find myself unhappy. i'm unhappy with the way my life is going and even though i have the power to change it, i feel so helpless. like i just want to give up.
and it's crazy coz it aint like i'm really alone. i have friends, i have family. i got a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and money in my pocket. yet my heart is heavy and filled with discontent. i don't know what wrong with me.
well i kinda do. i just don't know if i can truly do anything about it. i have no legs...and no spine. i ought to just off myself and be done
with it all. but i won't. i'm a coward.
i really hate myself.
10.02 PM
Say Something