staying away
Posted by Canis_Lupus at 05:43 PM on January 14, 2008.
what do you know? it works.
and guess what, it needs further testing. so we'll see.
...
(1.46 AM)
Random Essays on The HumanCondition
January 14th, 2008
January 11th, 2008
it hit me
Posted by Canis_Lupus at 08:43 PM on January 11, 2008.
it hit me, i must let you go.
it seems you and I are not meant to get together,
it seems whenever I'm here, you're there,
and when I'm around, you're not.
maybe I just need to work on my timing,
or maybe I just need to be more patient.
maybe so...
it seems to me it's time to let you go.
it's been too long, too far, too slow
something tells me it'll never happen.
i could be wrong, but nothing tells me otherwise;
i guess this will be a true test of where should we go
depends on what happens next when i see you
what i feel in me, what i feel from you
it may be absence makes the heart grow fonder
or it may be out of sight, out of mind,
or it could just be nothing...for it was really just that, nothing
i could be overthinking things, now or then - both
it doesn't really matter now...
for i am letting you go.
- i chose to isolate myself from everyone coz i wanted to rediscover that part of me that existed before i became greek. it was hard at first, still kinda hard now, to sit at home and not be social. but slowly, i'm finding what i intended to seek. in the beginning, i also wanted to see if you would reach out to me. i expected you would but you didn't. admittedly, i held out for mind games... but now i'm really just starting not to care. it's funny, i doubted the purpose and logic behind my isolation, what's the point and is there really a lesson to be learned, but now i see.
what i've done is extract myself from my current 'box/filter/lens'...you see, when you're in deep into something, you rarely notice the big picture...you just go with the flow and see where it takes you. you don't see the signs along the way, nor do you see what things for what they truly are. you just in it.
now...by pulling myself out of the thick of things, i've managed to acquire for myself a sort of outsider perspective. and i must say, it's rather disappointing to find myself in the position i'm in...for where i am externally is not where i'm at internally. and that's a big problem.
i needed to see what truly matters...and what should matter. i've always trusted my emotions would lead me to the right path, but i'm sadly mistaken.
now that i've extracted myself, i feel like i can start fresh, a clean slate. now i can move with some form of clarity. i needed to see that there was really nothing going on between us. there might be something there, but it's not enough for me to be feeling this way. i guess i'm feeling you more than i should or could let myself be, and with other people around you, it's not a risk my sensitive heart can take. i guess it's either i keep away from you for a while, make a move based on these emotions, or keep status quo. and getting no feedback from you, i'd keep status quo. in order to do that, i need to wipe my heart clean. so here i am, shaking it off.
by shaking off my feelings from you, perhaps, maybe i can truly just be friends with you. for a while i fooled myself into thinking i'm only really just trying to be friends with you...but shit, i was only digging myself deeper. i wouldn't doubt it if all it was just casual shit for you. at the time it was for me too. but it seems my heart never really strikes when the iron is hot. it waits for your heart to cool off before it even heats up.
hahaha. what the hell am i talking about?
once again i digress. i didn't mean for this to be a long winded introspection. anyway...i guess what i'm saying was i was in the process of falling...but now it has stopped. partly coz you're not the only one in my heart and i'm not the only one in yours, if i ever was. partly coz our timing is always off, partly coz we don't really reach out to one another, partly coz we're just not in sync. but mostly, we just don't commit. i know for sure i don't. i don't see it in you either. and i see that now. we're not going anywhere. and sadly, i'm okay with that.
brilliant. my lack of commitment again leads me to disappointment. whoopee. this is NEWS to me...pssh.
on another digressive moment, i'm now thinking about another girl...this is why i'm so conflicted. anyway...
from my extraction, i come away with my big-picture life realization, i.e. need to focus on graduation and being productive, not partying too much and spending time building my relations with people outside greek life ...and big-picture relationships realization --- so what to do now? wipe my heart clean. check. keep status quo. check. keep emotions in check. check. keep your head about you when making decisions and in choosing to do things with people. check. keep on trucking?
check.
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(4.45AM)
January 8th, 2008
A Revelation of sorts
Posted by Canis_Lupus at 11:19 AM on January 8, 2008 as a favorite post.
"I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments."
- Rob Gordon, "High Fidelity"
Word.
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(7.22 PM)
January 2nd, 2008
finding yourself
Posted by Canis_Lupus at 08:08 PM on January 2, 2008.
"the moment you become ashamed of who you are, you lose yourself."
this really struck a chord in me when i heard it. probably coz it hits home on what i've gone thru all my life. i guess it's that time of the year when you look back and try to sort out what to keep from what you've learned, re-learned, picked up from the past year and what to leave behind.
i got to say, it's about equal on my part. there's things i'll bring with me into the new year, and there's things i'd rather forget. and once again, we'll sit down and write out our new year's resolutions and look within ourselves, what do we need to change, what needs improvement, and what do we need to keep and keep strong.
and of course, just coz it's me, i not only look back into the past year, i looked back into my formative years. and also coz it's me (the sentimental bastard that i am) i could coz i've said all the e-mails and all that. i see now the steps i've gone thru and the changes i've gone thru -
it's crazy. i went from being a pussy to a pussy-who-thinks-he-knows -better to a bitter punk to an indifferent punk to happy-go-lucky shithead to a he-thinks-he's-enlightened shithead to now an asshole.
i can't help but wonder if i was happier back then or i was only ignorant. i was a big sensitive hopeless romantic pussy back then, easily manipulated and quick to catch emotions, but at least i was true and sincere (too open i think, not to mention naive)...and i honestly believe i was happier. i didn't know any better but you know wut they say, ignorance is bliss. and naiveté is not permanent, and i wish i could've kept that idealistic, optimistic view of the world a little longer and maybe keep that sincere and open attitude with me until this day. but i was prone to dramatic bullshit, i was clingy, needy, and was just a big ass bitch of a man. "do u like me, why don't you like me, tell me what i did wrong"...it's like, what the fuck man, get a hold of yourself. yeah, lower value male all over. doormat material, yes sir.
now i know better, or at least in my eyes, got a better handle of myself and my emotions...okay maybe not so much internally, but externally i'm cool as ice. i got the PR part of it quite well. yep, a couple years down the line, i'm now a cynical closed doubtful asshole. i'm still quick to catch emotions, if only for moments at a time now, but i play back now, play mind games back, project confidence, be that confidence, and at times, really just don't give a fuck. nowadays, it's more of the rule than exception. i really care about little these days ...leading to more mind games and mind fuck that only leaves me briefly satisfied and well, just plain unhappy. so i dunno. now i don't know how to convey my emotions for fear of getting played; or i simply just don't know how to anymore even when i want to. i hesitate a lot of times coz i've literally disabled or severely crippled my ability to do so. i seriously worry if i've forgotten how it is to love.
hmmm...so let's see, a needy, clingy pussy-ass bitch or an emotionally-crippled selfish asshole? happy and ignorant...or unhappy but cool(-ish)? great transformations huh?
now i'm doing my best to move away from this asshole persona with little progress...it's hard to get away from it, especially since i'm knee-deep in it. needless to say, got a long way to go.
but i guess in the end, you can't really look back into the past and say that you want to be that person or i used be that person, i should be that person again, what happened to me? you changed for a reason, and while you need to be conscious of where you are going, one needs to accept that.
like always, it comes down to moving forward. i only hope i'm becoming more aware of my mistakes...and learn to make the changes.
i got more to say but i've lost train of thought. to be continued? ...
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(4.11 AM)
December 28th, 2007
wish
Posted by Canis_Lupus at 08:25 PM on December 28, 2007.
i wish i could find that person i could be passionate about. that person i would always want to be around. that person that turns a bad day, no matter how shitty, into an ok day. that person that would listen, that person that would say it's gon be okay. that person that would lay in bed with me all day and not care about the world, that person that would make me feel nothing else matters. that person that i would rather be miserable about that to live without. that person that would make me feel that there's no one else. that out of all the people in my world, there is no one else i would love. i wish.
Ben Harper - Walk Away
Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.
With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.
We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.
...That person I would never walk away from.
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(4.26 AM)
Currently listening to: Ben Harper (obviously)
December 26th, 2007
and so it returns
Posted by Canis_Lupus at 08:03 PM on December 26, 2007.
what do you know it's back...
the creeping loneliness is here again
I think I've managed to dodge it by going out so much
and engaging in conversations and activities
that implicitly promises an end to the void
a return to intimacy, connecting with another person
but i guess like everything with me that involves emotions
it is premature, underdeveloped, not yet fully evolved...
yet exposed, vulnerable, helpless, bare, naked
for the world to see and rip apart.
every time i thought i would get somewhere
it would stall
perhaps i call it finished so easily...perhaps i don't follow through strong enough
i don't know...
i really can't even put together an intelligent or incisive or insightful sentence right now
all i really want to say is...
it's back.
fuck. here we go again, don't sleep til 6am shit. why? no fucking reason.
restlessness, staring into space, mindless and stupid conversations...
no thought, no substance, no depth...
the age of doubt and fear is here again.
fuck. that's never a good sign.
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(4.05 AM)
December 24th, 2007
searching
Posted by Canis_Lupus at 09:48 PM on December 24, 2007.
my heart continues to search
for the answer that will tell me to look no more
that i am done, i've found someone
to love and be loved
the games are over, the chase is finished
cupid finally got me
my heart finally found a home
i wish it was so...
but it goes on
even when sometimes i don't have it in me to continue on
when i just want to give up...
it crushes my heart.
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(5.51 AM)
Currently listening to: Boyz II Men
December 21st, 2007
guarded
Posted by Canis_Lupus at 10:04 PM on December 21, 2007.
i worry sometimes if i'm too desperate right now to find love
almost feels like i'm rushing into things, trying to catch feelings
holding to every fleeting emotion, thinking it is something
when it could just mean a moment, nothing more
have i become too anxious for love?
am i too impatient for her return, wanting her so bad
i just might scare her away...
i wish i could turn my back and forget all about it
but my heart tells me it needs her
it's been too long, my heart is dying...
before you know it, i wouldn't know wut to do with love
if it showed up in front of me -
i'm tired of playing games, of trying to wrestle for a good bargaining position
of trying not to get played, of considering options
of looking into the market, of putting up a facade of coolness
of trying to win anything but someone's heart
of trying to be anything but in love...
i wish i could be in that place where i know where i stand
and i don't need to worry about everything
where nothing else matters
but being with you...love...
- goddamnit. i wish it wasn't so. but it is wut it is. i've been complaining and wishing for the past three years. it seems love is not coming. i guess i'm not prepared. nor do i truly allow myself to be completely open. how else can love come in when the conditions are not there? i keep looking for someone to just come in and change everything. that person will never come. things always seem to work retroactively.
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(6.06 AM)
Currently listening to: Corinne Bailey Rae